Solitary Confinement

[WARNING: Disturbing Content]

March 2014

Awhile after checking into the ER psych ward I met the doctor. She was young with a gentle demeanor. She outlined my diagnosis: No drugs in my blood. Bipolar disorder. Psychotic break. Suffering delusions and hallucinations. .

No, stop just take me to the other side. I’ve been waiting so patiently! I want to go to Hogwarts please?

Pained, she explained again. For a fleeting moment, the world turned sideways and I understood. My face scrunched up from the deepest sadness I’d ever felt… So none of this real? I cried. She shook her head. No, I’m so sorry.

I snapped back to the other world and said, Hey! So what school did you even go to? UCLA for medical school. Alright… that’s a good one… and undergrad? Harvard. Ugh fine!

That night I hallucinated that a white sphere of light protected my body. Endless twirling cured disease, poverty, sex slavery, injustices. I saved the world.

With morning came antics. I army crawled into a room of resting patients and jumped up to dance, believing I was Jennifer Lawrence in an iPod commercial. The nurses were alarmed and amused. They retired me to my hallway, but that didn’t last long. A few more incidents like that and I was in solitary.

I had to pee. I held it awhile then knocked on the window. I have to pee! Nobody looked up. I found a corner and urinated. I knocked again when a nurse walked by. I’m sorry I had to pee and nobody would let me out! Don’t worry. Minutes later he was cleaning up my mess.

Ok Julia you can take your pills or we will give them to you by injection. It’s your choice. The head nurse stood with two guards. I’m not taking your pills. The men were strong. They turned me around and handcuffed me. You don’t have to do this. They pushed me onto the cotton bed. Please stop, you’re hurting me! I resisted as they held me down. I screamed. STOP PLEASE STOP DON’T DO THIS. I saw the syringe and felt the sting… As blackness seeped in from the outer edges of my vision I remember thinking that God would punish them for hurting me. .

An ambulance transported me to a psych ward in Berkley.