My Sister’s Wedding

July 2014

The worst health crisis my family had ever encountered was coupled with the stress and excitement of planning my only sibling’s wedding. Needless to say any work I had done as the Maid of Honor was quickly taken over by my sister’s closest and more experienced friends. I was fully out of commission.

Her bachelorette party was in May, just weeks after I moved back. My mom asked me not to go but I insisted. What kind of sister would that make me? I wish I hadn’t gone. I can barely remember it through the haze of my prescription drugs. What I do remember is feeling awkward, losing my wallet more than a few times, and drinking when I wasn’t supposed to… which led to a secret vomiting session in some bushes on our way out of a pool party. I was miserable.

By the time the wedding arrived a couple months later my weight was up, Lithium hands still shaky, mind fuzzy, and my self esteem was at an all time low. I was quiet, melancholy and feeling deeply sorry for myself. These were the best days of Morgan’s life, and I was living through the worst of mine. Everyone close to me knew I was having a hard time, but for the most part I compartmentalized those feelings into a corner of myself to deal with later so that I could celebrate with my family, friends and guests. Weddings only happen once.

My brain was still healing and I don’t recall much. I remember drinking too much again, feeling depressed, and snapshots of the beautiful people and epic Sun Valley scenery around me. My mom says I gave a really nice speech. I probably did, but I don’t remember it. .

People and families deal with hardship in different ways. At this moment I felt like it was important to be as present as possible for my sister, my new brother and my parents. But I’ll never forget how it felt to watch Morgan be so happy when I was so far from it. My parents were happy too. I hoped that someday I could get married too… but it was so apparent that I would have to do a lot of personal work first.

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